Exactly how it looks

WARNING – Talk of depression and suicidal thoughts

If you need help: Samaritans – https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

 

 

Do I get Nine?

 

I’m smiling at the irony that when I bring myself to write my laptop freezes. Hey, at least I’m smiling.

 

I think it’s a reoccurring theme that I crop up here whenever I mentally reach a new low. I swear I’m not always doom and gloom, it just seems to bring me back here.

I’m in a bad place though, blog. I’m not sure I’ve been here before. I’ve attempted suicide once in my life – impulsive and thoughtless and failed – and ever since I’ve had thoughts but not thoughts quite like this. A few weeks ago I contacted a helpline. I was scared and felt like I was losing control. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to die but I wasn’t too sure how much I wanted to live either. A week later I was begging for death. Curled up in some pathetic ball on a bed spluttering I want to die but knowing I didn’t have the courage to go through with it. Death must have been busy, or listening to music or something; either way, he didn’t check in.

And now I feel like I’m leading a double life. Part online persona acting up, playing dumb like nothing is wrong “I’m just lonely and want to be silly” and part living creature that isn’t sure whether she really can’t eat or sleep because of stress or if it is out of choice, as if I can trick my body with insomnia and starvation. Fuck, maybe it’s both. Some battle over cheese or something going on up in here.

Seriously, though, I’m at a loss. I’ve reached a point where help doesn’t really help anymore, where being lonely is just an excuse to be cruel to myself and where being around people is just more ammunition to be even crueller still when night falls. I don’t think I can be helped and I don’t think I want to be in my own head anymore. It’s ruining my life. I want control over at least the things I think about but there is none. I can’t just relax and I can’t just stop, it doesn’t fucking work that way. If I could just stop feeling like this does no one think I would have? “Hey, fuckface (my pet name for my brain), you think you could stop with all the shit for an hour?” I don’t think the reply will be oh sure and out will crawl some homunculus desperate for a bathroom break.

I just don’t think I can do this. But I don’t know what to do. I find myself searching suicide, searching ways to die, seeing helplines and reading the sites, then back to ways to die, then a cup of tea (doesn’t that seem weirdly out of place but comfortingly normal?) then tears (not because of the tea, I make a good cuppa tea), and then anger, and then confusion, and then nothing. Just a star waiting to explode.

There is no joy anymore, only a tired existence. My heart is all yawning and broken and my body is waiting for exciting instructions like which leg to scratch. Every time I try to find hope, I try to think selflessly, I come back to I can’t, I really can’t do this anymore. It’s as though the relationship with myself has now reached that point where it can’t be fixed, where too much damage has been done and you’re just waiting for one of you to call it quits. Maybe that’s why I feel like two people. I’m just not sure if either part of me wants to try to work it out anymore. I don’t want to feel worthless, ugly, stupid, boring, cruel, afraid, unloved and unwanted anymore. I want control over my thoughts and not these endless obsessions. I am sick to fucking death of comparing myself to everyone else and always coming out the loser. I want to be satisfied with myself, I don’t need to love myself; indifference would be nice. I’m sick of feeling I’ll never be good enough and that I will die a bitter, lonely woman who is eaten by her dashingly handsome goldfish.

 

I think what I’m trying to say is abandon all hope all ye who enter here. I mean, that’s not what I was trying to say at all, but I got nothing else left.

I guess when you got nothing, you’re last resort is to become a pirate.

 

Y’aaaargh.

 

If you need help: Samaritans – https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

2 thoughts on “Exactly how it looks”

  1. Am sad to read this but not surprised to learn how quickly things or not so quickly tragic thoughts can spiral the wrong way. In an age where everyone is afraid of showing concern to another for fear that they’ll be shot down please know that I don’t care for that bs. I’m here to chat if you need to reach out. x

    Like

    1. Eiman you’re an angel I swear. Thank you so much for reaching out, it really does mean a lot. I’m finally starting to feel a little bit more normal and getting myself doing human people things like showering again haha… It is amazing how fast life can go from seemingly wonderful to where is this hell how did I get here. It means a lot that you contacted me. I really hope you’re well. Are you? Thank you again. =)

      Liked by 1 person

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