What I Wouldn’t Tell My Friends

I’m not okay. I haven’t slept for more than a couple of hours at a time since last Saturday, I haven’t slept properly in weeks. I can’t eat. Bits at a time is about all I can manage, I think I’m too lazy to eat. I’m not sure, I just don’t want to. I haven’t showered, either. I smell disgusting and my hair has been in the same ponytail for days, it feels sore from where knots have formed but I can’t be bothered to brush it. I can’t be bothered to do anything, it feels pointless. Even brushing my teeth, I managed it yesterday, but other than that, hardly at all. My chest feels like something is about to explode. I just keep crying. I want to die. I’m sorry. I’m drinking. No, not that drinking. I’m drinking milk because I bring up a carton at a time and drink that. I don’t want to do anything. I almost feel like I don’t want to distract myself, I allow all the negative thoughts to take over. I hate myself, I hate everything about myself. Please remind me who I really am. There has to be more to me than this. I’m hearing things again. I contacted a suicide helpline a few weeks ago, I’m afraid of where my thoughts keep straying to. I’m struggling, I can’t focus. I’m failing my masters. I can’t bring myself to try apply for an extension, I don’t feel I deserve it and going to a doctor for evidence feels like running a marathon. The man I just became engaged to? We just keep fighting. It isn’t what I thought it was. He isn’t who I thought he was. I was never good enough for him. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel lost. Help me. I feel like I should be handling this differently, more like an adult. I feel like a child. What is happening to me? I can’t control my thoughts or emotions. I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss you. Please help me. I don’t want to die.


I’m okay. 🙂 How are you?


If you need help – The Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us


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