Fashionable

When I count my windows and doors

locked locked

is it with the fashionably OCD?

Do I show that the cuts on my fingers and hands

are small marks of an illness that’s been killing me…

Or that I like my lipstick to match my handbag, just right,

because,

I’m so OCD

Me too!

I should cry

I, too, am so OCD

When I try to walk up the stairs

I turn back

I must

locked locked

Stave off that panic attack

One

Two

Three

Four

Go back, check again, go back, check again, check again,

check again, check again, check a fucking ‘gain

Are you bleeding yet?

Have you felt the rise of frustration,

of “please make this stop”

that will help you remember,

you must not forget

in bed is where the other threats rest

The mind doesn’t tick,

doesn’t tock,

with pleasantries of day,

but with whispers I can’t keep away.

“Here, let me show you,

the images you dare no others see.”

In slithers the misery

that makes me so OCD!

The bones of my animals,

their flesh rotten raw,

all because I fucked up locking a door

A murderer’s victim, is fuel for the mind,

to poison eyes, lids closed, until another in kind

is brought to the fore

A child laid down

and oh, how she weeps

Don’t show me

Don’t tell me

I beg,

it just keeps coming back

when I try to

One

Two

Three

Sleep

 

I dream

a lonesome ghost

whose compulsions have

been haunting me

Since I was…

The child I see weep?

Chunks from my mouth

my own teeth have torn free

and grated on wool

nails grated on ground until

One

Two

Three

I wake

 

Four

 

And here I have found,

hands tear at skin with no fight left within

Only the laughter

The triumph

It won

I lost

You see, I understand, the cost

how you turn on yourself

when things aren’t as should be

what it is to be, just so fashionably OCD

 

Hey friends!

Here be lurking my response to The Daily Press daily prompt (oooh that’s a mouthful): Fashionable. I was going to write a blog post about mental health but instead this happened. Sorry about that, will clean up the mess on the way out! Mental health has been an upwards (sometimes stumbling downwards) battle for a while and although I didn’t really scrape the surface of what this is like to live with I hope it at least pulls the curtain back a little bit. It ended up being pretty blunt and in terms of poetry I know it falls short, but in spoken word it might work a bit better. I might give it a go. But you know I’m lazy … lead an incredibly busy life as a super villain herding ferrets, so I probably won’t.

Would you believe one of the most agonizing things about this entire bit of writing was whether or not to put an exclamation mark at the end. I’m still not sure. Sod it.

Thanks for reading!

 

23 thoughts on “Fashionable”

  1. I thought this post was a good representation of OCD. By myself and my oldest daughter suffer from mild OCD. Mild in that it’s only about certain things that the OCD drives us up the wall about. It’s, funny isn’t the right word but for lack of a better one, funny that we’re both OCD about the same things…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is interesting! I think there must be something genetic or maybe it’s nurture and watching another person with it. I have three older brothers and all of them have some form of anxiety disorder but for two of them it’s OCD. That’s 3 out of 4 kids with it. We also each have our own issues with it and how it manifests. Pretty interesting!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Effing hell, girl.
    I have a lump in my entire chest. You either know OCD really well, or you’re incredibly perceptive and intuitive.
    Also this:
    ” The mind doesn’t tick,

    doesn’t tock,

    with pleasantries of day,

    but with whispers I can’t keep away.”

    Chills.
    You’re very good, do I tell you that often?

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I think…the way that we chose to control and manipulate the little pricks in our heads that try to have us and take us, is a a big portion of who we are.

        Like

  3. To me, my OCD is all about the doubt, the huge f-ing doubt. Did I do it right, should I have done it better, or did I even do it. I think you did a great job portraying that feeling of panic very well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! OCD is one hell of an anxiety disorder and definitely comes with a heck of a lot of doubt, for me too, especially with checks. I find most of my compulsions or obsessions come with an absolute need for reassurance. And even with reassurance I can get extremely agitated because the information isn’t going in. I think you’ll understand what I mean by that. It’s almost like small spats of amnesia brought on by doubt. You lock the door. You’re told you’ve locked the door. But then the memory is gone so you HAVE to do it again. I’d do it so often I’d get marks on my hands but even though they hurt they served as a reminder to that doubt that yes I have locked the door. Aha, gosh. What a thing huh. Thank you for reading and I hope you’re well. 🌹

      Like

  4. I know how difficult this can be. You’ve captured the essence perfectly. It’s a little disturbing though! I don’t like the label OCD. When I studied psychology, I found teachers using it left, right and center without any consideration for sufferers. There was a French teacher though, and she was the only one who was against labeling because it creates stigma. The best way I cope with it is to live with the uncertainty. Find someone who’ll love you without passing judgment. It’s difficult but possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My psychologist doesn’t label anything either and it works well for me. I’ve been in mental health for some time and quickly found myself under labels like bi polar disorder, bdd, anxiety, depression, stress, OCD… You get the picture. 😂 I’ve only had two professionals work with me and not a label and he’s one of them. They’re also the only two I’ve stuck with indefinitely! Thank you for reading and for your comment! 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I cannot possibly know this to the depths you have named, but I have had mild OCD. Then I had kids, and it went away. It was too much, and it broke.
    You wrote a fantastic description of it… I remember past obsessions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you got shut of the thing! It actually got worse when I got pets, especially my ferrets. I couldn’t handle the anxiety they would get out and get hurt and so I would spend a long time checking their cage. It was ridiculous. It also latched onto them with the whole “if you don’t do X then X will happen to them” But now it’s decided it wants to have a bit more of a go at my relationship so cage locking isn’t quite the hour of hell it used to be! Oh, OCD, you fucking cunt. As a fellow acquaintance (or thankfully ex acquaintance) of it I’m sure you see the need to call it that. 😂 I’m really pleased you thought this was a good description of it. Now forget those obsessions. Gone. Smoke! I don’t mean go smoke. I mean unless you already do that’s your choice, you know I just… okay shush time now. 😐😂😘

      Like

      1. You are fucking adorable. You know that, right?
        Yes, keeping them alive was still a ghost, but cleanliness and timeliness were totally out the window once I had little kids. It is a demon occasionally still. It was worse when I was younger, things like chewing my food on each side a certain number of times, or tapping out patterns. Ugh. I feel for you if you’re still in its grasp.

        Liked by 1 person

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