October, October

Hey everyone!

It’s October! Yay! I know it was October last weekend too, but…October! October is the new Sunday. How many times can I write October in this…no, stop that right now!

I started writing this with absolutely nothing in my head but song. It’s a beautiful song though so I will post a link to it so you, too, can lose yourself for a little while, in the best possible way. I promise you no white rabbits will lead you down any holes! Don’t trust the voles though…

This song is actually quite dear to me. It’s one of those songs that inspires, and whenever I listen to it I think of a scene (I’m yet to write, of course) in the sequel to Death’s Daughter. It’s an emotional scene where I – one second need to restart the song…ahem, that’s better – where I imagine Sophie going through an unbearably emotional experience but needing to triumph and carry on for the sake of others. That being said, how she chooses to go about it is fuelled from passion, and we don’t always make our best decisions in those moments, do we? I hope it will be a good scene because I feel emotional even thinking about it, you fall in love with your characters, you know? Without meaning to sound stereotypically writery, it just is what it is.

She also does an incredible version of one of my favourite songs – I see Fire – so here, have that too! It’s the gift of October! Ah haha, sorry. I couldn’t resist. That’s 8.

This week I ventured into the world of prompts and I’m really thankful for how those posts have been received. Both were off the cuff and I spent a long time staring at them not knowing whether or not to post them. If you’ve read my previous posts though you’ll know the point of this blog is a place for me to be fearless, so, meow. Deny was by far easier to post and write, although I was worried how the end would be met. Fashion (or as I refer to it, Fashionably OCD) was a lot harder.

I’ve mentioned some about mental illness here and there and some aspects of it are harder to write about than others. It all comes with its downfalls though. If I say that I am plagued with images of animal abuse and that if I see any article or hear any mention of it I can’t control my mind people might think I enjoy it or that I want it. I don’t. Or people might think I’m weak. I’m not.

My mind likes to take what I hate most and shove it in front of me and obsess over the images. I’m not sure if being a writer makes this worse because my imagination is quite vivid. I know that when it comes to relationships (I didn’t mention how my mental state affects those) it’s fucking tortuous. It’s the equivalent of sitting and watching your lover have sex with someone else on some shitty channel of reruns. Over and over. I’m not in to that. Where is the off button please.

“Thanks, brain.”

“You’re welcome, heart.”

I think it’s the difference between a quick thought and an obsession. If my brain latches on to something it’s like a…uh…a very latchy thing. Good writering, Arbie! On the flip side, if I say I have a really hard time doing simple tasks like locking a door or turning off an oven people might (and have) look at me like it’s no big deal. I wish it wasn’t, dickhead brain says otherwise.

“Ooooh gawwwddd we’re all going to die if you don’t check that door eight more times!”

“Okay…I did it.”

“Great! Now another eight!”

“Okay…”

“And now two more eights so it’s four sets of eight!”

“Are you serious?”

“>=)”

I stated writing a lot more and then I realized I don’t want this blog post to be about that. So, let’s move on!

I’ve been thinking about posting the blog elsewhere too, or at least posting on other platforms. One of my friends spoke to me about Medium a couple of weeks ago and I’ve just seen a blogger I recently started to follow make the move. The only problem with Medium is I’m not too sure how well fiction does and I don’t really write any articles. I’ve thought about writing some as I research for a new book, but even those probably wouldn’t interest many over there. I’ll most likely post them on here though, sorry! This is the place of no return!

I’ve also seen mention of posting on Tumblr but I’m not sure how well I’d do there. A lot of political talk goes on over there (from what I’ve heard) and I’m not too keen on getting involved in that. I like it here on wordpress (even if it hates me and is mean), I’m just not sure if I should be posting elsewhere if I’d like more readers because I’m serious about becoming an indie author. Or if I’d like to just post up the book on Amazon in a few weeks and say have at it to anyone who finds it. I’m just not the self-promoting type which makes the whole indie author stuff pretty hard. I put my mind to it being what I want though. Another point of no return!

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Forgot to post usual irrelevant picture and I needed a break in the text. This time with sneaky cat. 

 

Anyway, that’s week stuff. Last night I watched the film Little Evil and although the ending was pretty rubbish – sorry people of film – the rest of it was funny and made me dread the idea of having children. I think they will be devil spawn, I can’t imagine it any other way. Not that me and the devil are tight like that, but that I can’t see myself raising anything else. Future generations, I apologize for the coming of rapture. I will be sure to point at the father and say “He did it!”

Honestly though, parenting looks damn hard. I’m an aunt and I struggle after a few hours of “but why?”  and “tractor tractor tractor!” from my nephews (they’re at that stage and it’s adorable but oh god when will it end) so to actually be a parent really does seem hard. I’m sure all the good stuff must make up for it (it does right… right?!). But parents out there, I know there are a few of you, mad props to you!

This is getting pretty long so I’d normally wrap up here anyway, but I also think I will do anyway. I hit my head a bit yesterday and I’ve been a little dizzy and other such rubbish since. I’ve read through this a couple of times (sorry it’s worse than usual) and rearranged words that happened to find themselves in the wrong place but I’m sorry you see any of the topsy turvy variety. To be honest it’s usually like that anyway, I’m just better at getting it sorted before posting. Why am I still typing.

Ferrets!

Oh, on Friday I didn’t post any kind of flashback fiction type thing because my little girl took a turn. She had to get taken to the vet because she kept dazing out and falling over. She’s in for blood tests tomorrow and I’m hoping that everything comes back okay. She’s incredibly precious to me.

 

Little monster. ❤

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And Pandora posing!

 

I hope you’re all well! See you next ramble! X

P.S I’m behind on my post reading but tomorrow I’ll be sherkin around all your blogs!

28 thoughts on “October, October”

  1. Okay… honestly… the ferrets freak me out. You on the other hand are a treasure. I love everything you have to say and I look forward to whatever format you have to say it in.

    I’m so pleased to hear you include music in your writing and it drives some of your scenes! I love it! So resonated.

    Love the songs! I’m excited!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, they are like long furry snakes on legs! Thank you! I haven’t gone to medium yet because it looks a bit intimidating… we’ll see!

      I do! I think it’s hard not to some times. You’ll be listening to a song and it’ll just click and you’ll be in your story world rather than the real world and suddenly imagining all sorts. I’m sure to another person when I do it I look like I’m just zoning out while in my head I’m imagining all sorts of fancy stuff! You can relate, I bet! xxxx

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  2. OK, here goes. First, stop posting sexy pics of yourself between breaks in your text. It makes old men like me lose concentration. What month were you talking about? (Kidding, love seeing you). I write on both WordPress and Medium. I find Medium writers somewhat snobby and cliquish and only have a few followers as compared to here, for the same posts. It’s free, so take a look and see if it will work for you. Just don’t leave me alone here, lol. Medium does have “publications” within itself. I am a writer for Poetry Under Cover and The Water Tower there, both very different. Give it a shot and I’ll help all I can. Hugs!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha, oh you! 😛

      Awesome that you’re over on Medium too! I know another person on there but so far I haven’t really done much with it. At least if I do I know there’ll be another friendly face there. Thanks for the heads up on how you’ve found it so far! ❤ xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Lots to say. Your section about OCD and especially this: “My mind likes to take what I hate most and shove it in front of me and obsess over the images.” Had me a little teary. Is all I’ll say. And the rest of what.you wrote after that sentence made sense.
    Anyway

    I like this free thought post. It’s needed sometimes, definitely . I enjoy visiting your brain. You’re sweet and funny and cheeky and intelligent and real. I enjoy all of those things.
    I’m sure you’ll get lots advice about the other platforms venture. I couldn’t presume to advise. I do think getting your book up on amazon would be brilliant for you on many levels though.
    Ok. Much love. I’m reading this again later

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah, thank you. I’m sorry it got you a little teary but I appreciate you reading and understanding this. Also so pleased to hear it made sense! I’m not too great at that, too much ramble too little thought haha.

      Yeah it definitely is needed. It’s freeing, you know? I think you’ve seen it for sure in your ineffable posts, that ability to go wherever you want and just follow your thoughts rather than any kind of structure or anything. It sheds light on stuff you didn’t even realize was on your mind. As you so brilliantly let us see with your posts! ❤ xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, how you switcheroo-ed my comment and started talking about me was quite skillfully done 😉
        I get it. The OCD. I write those posts to sort things out. Yesterday I was having a lot of trouble writing anything. Everything was misfiring, I couldn’t comprehend what was being said to me. I tried to write an “Ineffable #4.5” But nope.
        I have one specific OCD behaviour which I’ve had for as long as I can remember, at least 8 years old. I’ll not go into it it’s far too difficult but it’s not 100%under control. It’s a physical thing. But the other mind tricks that you spoke about that really made sense. ..gosh if only I’d been clever enough in the past to realise they were OCD related perhaps I would have saved myself a lot of sadness. These days I get what is going on and deal with it. Like lately I feel I’m being constantly lied to and manipulated and I’m seeing people saying and doing things that I’m perceiving to be about me or related to them not genuinely liking me. I know it’s my brain. So I’m riding it out . But it’s difficult. I began this blog in a different voice. I feel now that this is me but I also feel slightly. …dishonest about certain posts. Again my brain connecting things to make me feel guilty, which I’ve worked out is my OCD’s main aim. It worked for years.
        I don’t know why I am telling you this. Your comment triggered in me what I’ve been trying to say I suppose. You seem more…honest than most people around sometimes.
        Anyway.
        You can delete this if you want, lol
        Have a great week 😊❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh man, no, I can delete it if you want! Any time, even if you decide you want it gone in a years time or more! This kind of honesty is difficult. I have to say though, that I understand – well as much as anyone can without drinking through a box of tea bags I guess and even then do we ever really know each other? Why am I sounding like a conspiracy theorist. Anyway, I was never sure if my insecurities surrounding other people and me was self-esteem or OCD, I think it became a mix of both. First the thought would come in, let’s say one that sounds silly but I tore myself up over “my boyfriend will get bored of me soon and want someone else, everyone else is better than me” it starts as a thought and then booooom: I’m obsessing over it, it’s constantly on my mind and I’m constantly seeking reassurance from everyone and anyone that it isn’t so – which becomes a compulsion because if I don’t ask it burns in my chest and I can’t focus on anything but getting an answer to that question. Then, because my brain can’t take in information, I ask it again and again and again and again. Does this make sense? I’m not sure that it does but maybe it does to you. I have no idea what is what to be honest and feel it all boils down to one thing: anxiety. It’s horrible though, your mind almost seeking for things to hurt you with, not allowing you to feel content and happy. Always digging in the graveyard of old fears to shine them under a different moonlight, you know? I’m sorry your brain is being a cunt. I know that’s one of those words people shy from but that’s what your brain is for making you think people are speaking unkindly about you or lying to you when they’re not, and I hope they’re not. >=( You have my email now so any time you need to talk or rant just drop me a message. Also, nice noticing of the ol’ switcheroo. 😉 I suspect you’re a pro at it too! :p xxxx

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    1. Thank you so much! She really is and I admire her resolve to remain as much herself as possible. And thank you, it really is never easy. Seb is thankfully much better though and she’s been given the all clear! ❤ xxxx

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    1. Thank you! Aha, yeah there isn’t usually a lot of interest going on up in there, mostly a bunch of rambles and everything being a distraction. Like a cat watching a string! And thank you for the kind words, you know I think you are too! ❤ xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Don’t leave. Please. Keep all the things here where I can see them, the pictures and the amazing words and the vulnerability. When people are vulnerable, it calms me.

    Wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever said that. Where did it come from? Interesting.

    I’m a caretaker. I am considerate of your vulnerability, because it takes great strength to do it, to tell us you brain waves your wrong things in front of your face [pretend this part is in italics] while waving your wrong things in front of our faces,[/i] risking that we’ll use that, twist it somehow.
    But I won’t. I’ll use it to understand you and care for you, working with it and through it and around it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I won’t leave here! I’ll stay here but cross-post, or maybe right more suitable posts for over there. Pretend I’m a doctor or something. Tell people what they should be doing to be happy while I sit at home crying into a bag of rhubarb and custard sweets. Living the life! Ahaha. Have you tried those sweets though? So good. 😐

      You’re so kind, Ward. I feel weak a lot of the time so it’s nice to be seen as having strength. And I absolutely have worried that before. I feel safe here though. It’s probably also why I’ll throw a picture up on here of myself when it isn’t really the right platform for it but on Instagram I’ll be a lot more cautious.

      ❤ xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your struggle IS your strength, Arbie! It’s admirable and wonderful, and that you share it with us is what makes it so. You’re unabashedly yourself, and not many people are. Though somehow I seem to have run into a lot of them here!

        You’re my hero!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I would have been so happy to read you saying I’m your hero if not for the curse a witch placed on my five years ago this very day – that every time I read anything of that sort I would get wind beneath my wings in my head for an entire day! 😋

        Thank you though, Ward. 😣

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