Ghost of Christmas Present

I can’t remember this ghost, what does it do? Does it show scrooge the poor? Am I thinking of Muppets Christmas Carol? Are you now thinking of Muppets Christmas carol? Which song do you have stuck in your head? This one?

Ehehe, I hope you do now! What do you mean you didn’t click it? Fine. I’m eating your cake.

I think at Christmas I’m supposed to write something about gratitude. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for a lot. I’m grateful that I know it’s Christmas time because other people don’t and it’s very important because I get chocolate. I’m grateful that the weather outside may be frightful but my dear the fire is rather hot so please don’t stand next to it in that dressing gown, god damnit Maura I warned you! I’m grateful that bells ring and if I love someone I get to sing to Santa and he then puts them in a box under the tree with the chocolates and remains or Maura. What? If Maura was still around I wouldn’t be singing to Santa would I?

The thing is, a more serious me (she exists) can sum up what I’m grateful for very quickly. My family, my fiance, my ferrets, my fence (dont ask me, ask my phone because it really wanted it to be included), my pets (even my super bad cat), tea bags, salad cream, and the occasional YouTube binge into the 90s. Or any era for that matter. And sometimes just videos of fires crackling. That’s my catnip. Oh and rain, I really like rain. And Christmas music! How great is this? See I can be nice. I need to be or else I won’t get the remote control car I asked for.

But now that I’m done with that, what’s left? Stop typing you say? Or at least write something useful. Write about writing! Hmm, what do I know? Oh I’ll tell you what I know…psst, I’ll tell you all my writing secrets. So be prepared. You will need: a beautiful black mane; a dozen or more hyenas; a cave (green strobe lighting optional); and to have murdered your brother. Don’t scoff at me! I don’t know what I’m talking about. If you do then 10 points to Slytherin! Yes, even if you’re not in Slytherin.

I’m sleepy from food and sleepy from bad nights sleep and I hope they got coal because you know if people can be put on the naughty list then so can nights and days.

I’m tapping my nails on the arm of the couch. Or at least I was. I’m writing this on my phone so that would be very difficult but saying I was tapping my nails on the arm of the couch doesn’t have the same image attached to it. I’m trying to be pensive not whatevermajig.

If I were as gremlin the kind of children I would eat would be:

You know those asshole kids that are really arrogant because they’ve been trained from very young to memorise a bunch of facts from books and stare at globes so they think they’re super smart? Yeah I wouldn’t eat them. They’ve probably read about me in myths and know that to defeat me you just have to know not to feed me after…ehehe, I know what you thought I was going to say. You’re wrong. It’s mid November.

I wouldn’t eat the scrawny ones because given I can’t eat after mid November I’m going to need fat supplies for my hibernation period. That’s right, gremlins hibernate. It’s why you see so many more traffic accidents this time of year. We moonlight as traffic wardens.

I think I would eat the kind of kids you see on Stranger Things. Those would give you a sense of accomplishment. They’re smart, determined kids. Not too cocky, not too dull. I wouldn’t eat Eleven though. I would steal Eleven away into my labyrinth where I would convince her I was a very important and noble gremlin and she can be my bff. It might take some time to get over the whole me eating all her friends thing but I think she’d understand about Will.

I’m sorry. Is Christmas not the time of year to talk about eating children? I’ve written it now though and I’m too lazy to delete it and start again. Anyway, I’m not a gremlin. I’m a Bendigo. I actually meant to write wendigo but my phone says Bendigo so let’s find out what that is. Okay Bendigo is a city in Australia. Damnit! Why couldn’t I have been trained the ways of the globe as a small thing. Now I don’t know my bendigos from my wendigos! You failed me parents! I should have been playing *insert your own composer* by the time I was 5! I bet I’d have been good at the piano. I have long gangly fingers. Now all I can do is scare children.

For the love of sweet gingerbread cookies I was so desperate to put an image here of some ice monster thing from some beer or something forest advert and I can’t remember what it was for. If you can, please tell me!

Christmas has been a tiring one though, and not just for the nights of anti-sleepmatter. It’s exhausting being around family ain’t it? I have a twitch at the moment, not sure I’ve mentioned that, so it’s also quite awkward because mid sentence if I’m getting too anxious trying to behave like a human my shoulder will jerk up and my head will twitch to the left. I’m basically a lick of the tongue away from being barty crouch. This is what I get for placing Slytherin isn’t it? I knew that awesome uniform would come with it’s downsides!


It’s been good though because it’s not often I see all of my family together and you know I have no idea why I said that because I didn’t see all of them, but I will tomorrow. Just pretend you’re seeing into my future with this. Looka that, you’re all non-unicorns now!

I hope you had a most brilliant and Merry Christmas! If I were a gremlin the kind of adults I’d eat would definitely be all of you! …that was supposed to be sweet but now I’m not so sure.

Going to sneak out if here…

Merry Christmas!

I told you I used to want to be a cat. Don’t let your dreams be dreams!

18 thoughts on “Ghost of Christmas Present”

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