I sit outside and listen to the indistinct shouting of children and a strange adult voice that almost sounds like a muffled radio presenter. The Sun is muted by clouds that are gathering around it, maybe hoping it will be giving out free chocolate or something, I don’t know. It’s warm, though, and flies are trying to impress one another by tap dancing across my eyebrows while ants are all obviously still drunk from the night before as they do the scuttle-bug across the clammy stone floor in search of, I don’t know, another whiskey or something I guess.
The humidity isn’t something I like, I’m too frizzy for it. Genetically so, no less (23andme said so). I feel sleepy a lot anyway so sitting in the sun, well out of it really (but I know it’s nearby), and trying to write makes me sleepy and angry. I growl at an ant. My big toe is not a bar, damn it! I’m calling last orders!
I had intended to spend the afternoon replying to comments – finally. I know that to most it isn’t a big deal when I don’t reply, I never mind when someone doesn’t reply to me – who am I kidding, it disturbs my sleep for weeks, months! But, I don’t like it when someone takes the time to say something to me and I don’t reply for a while. I usually actually see the comment quite soon after, but I freeze up and worry over what to say. What if I say thank you in a way that seems like it’s not heartfelt and they see I’m saying thank you to everyone and what if someone takes offence to a blue heart emoji rather than a purple? Sometimes, I think online interaction is more stressful than offline – but, only sometimes.
Anyway, I had intended to spend the afternoon replying to comments – but my laptop seems to get sleepy in the sun and no more than after one email reply did it go HALP and the screen dimmed and the green blob appeared on the battery. It made me say “Oh for staves sake” and write this instead, with intention to go back to replies once cortisol has returned to its usual malfunctioning state.
I go home soon. It’s stressful, such a long LDR relationship. We’re in quite the pickle too and I’d talk about why if I understood any of it. Basically, long story short, we had intended to live in England once my fiancé was all finished up in Hawaii, but now we’re thinking of mainland instead because of medical reasons. This, of course (anyone who has tried for a visa in any way I’m sure is about to groan in memory of the stress it causes) has brought about visa-itis. I’ve termed it so just now because I don’t know what else to refer to “Why am I trying to walk up the stairs backwards?” “What is an 1-IHFG872 and is it purple?” “You want to put how many needles in me?” “I’m hungry” “How many months?” and “I really need to cuddle a kitten right now” can be referred to when all mushed together in one moment.
I’ll update when I know more. On the more interesting side, we’re looking at moving north east. I’d like to be near Canada. So far, I like the look of Maine and Michigan, but also (not quite as north) New York. I never imagined myself living in America, but now the thought is quite exciting – well, I’m sure it’ll be really exciting once visa is in place and that stress is behind us. Stress over circumstantial things doesn’t last forever though, so I’m enjoying separating it and knowing I have some control over it because there are boxes that need ticking and paperwork to be filled out and then it’s gone – it doesn’t exist forever just going AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH in the back of my head.
It’s too hot out here. No one is screaming anymore though.
So, yes, life is doing a 180 and right at the time when it’s about to get super stressful I think – you know what would be fun? I’m going to finally get round to running that free book promo-thing. This isn’t too unusual to be honest, I often throw myself at a bunch of tasks whenever I’m on an up, but right now – even though not on an up – I want to be productive with something that’s been making me feel down for months.
It’s kind of rubbish, you know? To release a book and then not have the energy or desire to promote it. Feels pretty meh. I’ve said it before though, I’m very bad at networking. I shy away from it massively. I do want to write a post about kittens though. I feel that is kind of side lined here. But, kittens. I want to keep them. They’re my friends. My cats are my friends too, just the kittens seem to like me as much as my English cat does. Why do American cats hate me? Oh god… I’m thinking of living mainland and my American cats hate me and now I wonder if this means Americans will hate me too. It’s fine. I’ll just say sorry 50 times a day.
Long post, I don’t know where we’re going. We should stop, shouldn’t we?
Can lizards tell what you’re thinking?
I’ll post about free book soon, but it is 19/08 and 20/08 or 08/19 and 08/20 if you want to make me brain hurt.