I guess today being like yesterday and tomorrow is not okay

Let’s use this blog as a blog again shall we. You know me though, chances are this isn’t going to be happy. Please find the exit to happy somewhere over there near a rainbow or something, continue reading if someone else being miserable won’t disrupt your day. I don’t want that. Nope, nope, no siree. God damnit, Siri, not you!

I can’t shake this mood. It’s not even a bad mood as such, it’s just miserable. I wake up tired and go to sleep tired and spend the day tired and I feel like I’m dragging my body through human movements. I’m getting tired of it. Ha, didn’t mean the pun, but there it is.

I tried to write serial fiction and just go with it, just to be writing again and trying to have my brain work like it used to. There was no fun in that though, it wasn’t a story I wanted to tell, there wasn’t really any story to tell. I’m a discovery writer but there has to be something I want to discover for that to work and there was nothing.

I just feel miserable all the time and nothing I try to do will shake it. I know I need to be back in professional help but I don’t know how to go about that at the moment. I just feel no hope, only fear. And it is fear, anxiety is our fears (not even realized) hammering at our doors.

Sometimes I wonder whose expectations I am trying to live up to, especially when it comes to beauty. I’ve always wanted to cosplay in some amazing outfit as either Harley Quinn, or Sylvanas or more recently Widowmaker. I got it in my head I was going to stop worrying about it and just do. And then I look into cosplay and I just think I’m not made for that world. I wish I didn’t have such low self-esteem but god. I’d feel useless compared to the other women there, like my body was just some laughing stock. That could be far from the truth, I don’t know. I just don’t want to feel this way. Back to expectations, maybe I wouldn’t if I didn’t have a partner. If I wasn’t with someone who I didn’t think thought so little of my body. I probably would though, I don’t think I’ll ever see myself as anything but lesser.

This isn’t me trying to get people to comment on my appearance because I don’t think that’s where it is, it’s in my head and that can’t be talked down. I think I could walk into a room full of people cheering “You’re perfect!” and I’d just curl into a ball in the corner. Maybe that’s the issue. I want to do things that require people looking at me and I don’t want people to look at me unless I’m in control of that. Being invisible is much easier than being seen.

I haven’t cried about this in a while and it just drives me mad because then you get the people who say, body issues? There are people dying in the world! Which just makes it worse because the amount of times I have tried to draw my thoughts away from such a self-critical and inwards way of thinking and it’s amounted to me feeling even more fucking useless and stupid and vain and god… I so badly want it all to end. I’m so sick of comparing myself to the perfection that is everywhere and that I’m told is perfect and being so far from it that in 1 – 10 I feel -9000 and why are we even rated by numbers. Why do we do that to each other?

I really wanted to have something and I feel like I’ve got nothing. And now that I can’t write. I mean, I got an idea and I was excited and LitRPG seemed like such an obvious choice. I pretty much lived in games before this mental illness got to where it’s at now, I understand games. But, after having that excitement and even starting to properly world build I tried to go back to it and just exhaustion. I really wanted to write quests, too.

But, and I’m laughing at myself now, when do I ever stick to anything? The number of books I should have finished by now and nope. A cycle. Hyper – write & imagine, depressed – nothing, hyper – new story, write & imagine, depressed – nothing. And the real kicker, that thing that I hate more than anything right now, how mental illness is supposedly a gift to the creative. A gift fucking indeed. Let’s take something that drains you of mental ability and say it’s the secret behind a craft that requires mental functioning. Mental illness just gives us something to fucking rant about on our more lucid days, but my god what we could achieve if it just never existed in the fucking first place.

Self-doubt, to the point where you just think what is the point. I’ve wasted years, and every time I become aware of that, all the sleepless nights on what ifs and NEW TOMORROWS that end up just the same as yesterdays. Because it doesn’t go away just because you want it to. It doesn’t stop existing, it just stops you from existing. Especially without help, and that’s something I don’t have. And hey, maybe if I had help properly all those lost years then those years would never have been lost.

But right now, I keep wanting to make it right. I keep telling myself tomorrow is too far away start now, and I keep feeling beaten down. And you know what? Fuck all the FIGHT mentality. Education and help, like with any other illness, that is salvation. The idea you can fucking think your way out of it, like anyone can think their way out of a broken arm or a coma. And I’m laughing again here, because with a broken arm you can still have the willpower to think yourself into better days and having a positive outlook, depression strips you of your willpower.

Don’t give up. That’s something I can stand by. But don’t give up and help yourself by seeking medical help, help from family and friends, reading about the illness and beginning to learn what it does. Don’t try and just fight something you don’t even know what you’re fighting. That’s a losing battle. I hope you don’t think I’m telling people with mental illness to give up, I’m not. What I’m saying is I went with that mentality of fight! be strong! and it made me feeling pathetic and weak. Fight it when you know what you’re fighting, and if you feel like you’re losing, you’re still not weak. You’re never weak, you’re ill. And ill people need help.

Even when they feel like I do right now.

Like a burden on everyone around me and wanting to shun most of them. I don’t even want to see my own family because I’m worried they will think I’m ugly, worthless and a nobody. I feel so fucking trapped. But today is just a bad day, right?

And finally, just to finish off this rant that started somewhere and ended nowhere: When did people start believing that mental illness was a choice?

32 thoughts on “I guess today being like yesterday and tomorrow is not okay”

  1. I am not going to give you the stock answers Arbie. But I have been in that place many times too and recognise everything you write. I hope you get past this soon. Knowing the solutions and using them are two different things. Sending a big hug. Darren.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wise words, seriously. Thank you for your insight, and hugs back to you! I hope to be moving forward rather than being stagnant soon. I’m reaching out of the pit and while not completely in the grasps of mental illness doing what I can to both prepare for the next bout and making the most of being able to live for at least today! I’m sure you know what I mean by live, and not just exist, while dealing with this rubbish. I hope you’re well, Darren. 🙂 Just a thought, did you find gardening helpful for you to mentally find some tranquillity?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry this reply is so late Arbie, I have been travelling back from Canada.
        Gardening did help, yes. The gym helped more – I do not believe that solo excercisng would have helped me as I needed some structured social interaction to ease my loneliness.
        I know that socialising is the hardest thing to do when depressed but dealing with this alone is horrible. Please get in touch if you want to talk ok? Extra hugs!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ooooh don’t say sorry! You’ve been having adventures! I hope it was all as fun and brilliant as it looked!

        Thank you so much. I have my fiance thankfully and my dad who I talk to about it all a lot. You’re right about how difficult socialising is. One of my doctors used to tell me that “the problem” (his way of naming the illness) didn’t want me to socialize because it’s easier to have a grip on me and keep me depressed if I’m isolated and so more likely to focus inwards. You know what it’s like though, easier said than done. It’s a lot easier when there are people who offer to talk though. So thank you. The same goes for you. 🙂 xxxx

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  2. If I knew how to help I would, and I’d hug until we agreed that we’re both beautiful people. All I can say is that I saw my psychologist today and that I’ve added another positive step to my attitude. 😊 🕟

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My heart sank reading this comment. I feel guilty that you had an appointment (that I hope helped you feel at least heard and a little better) and then you read this miserable post! You’re more than a beautiful person, you’re a superstar! And my friend. I hope that you are doing well today. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel for you, and hopefully you’re doing betterer today, tomorrow, and for the rest of those that have yet to be awakened. 4.40am here and I’m I’m not sleeping well again, but some is better than none. I think my pc is back working ok.. And I’ve my poetry group meet today, which I thoroughly enjoy. So I’m looking forward to my day ahead, and there’ll be another night to get some sleep.
        Cheers my friend and look after yourself 😋 😊 💛

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  3. Our desensitization to mental things in society is absolutely disgusting. I hear people say ‘I was depressed this morning’…….and it aggravates me to no end. Depression isn’t a morning thing. All mental illness is consuming and not at all something we should be flippant about and definitely not a choice. Our behaviors and actions are the choice part

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh gosh, don’t get me started! It frustrates me because those are the same people that will called truly unwell people “weak” and will talk about how strong they were to get out of their depression (when they actually just mean they were unhappy for a bit – why did people forget the use of the word unhappy?)

      I actually worry about the choice part even in actions and behaviours. I know that I can’t control some of the things I’ve done, but what I’m more so talking about is the amount of people who are mentally sick and expected to be able to get help for themselves. That was me for a long time and it isn’t possible, you end up getting sicker. I’m fortunate now that I’m being given the help I need to get help. It sounds crazy, but how can we expect someone who can’t even brush their teeth to make the calls and appointments needed to get better? I’m voicing frustrations now that I feel towards my own government who is expecting something similar to this for mental health patients. Argh!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I probably never had your degree of depression, at least not sustained. But still, I wanted to tell something I came across once, in the days I studied all kinds of alternative healing. It was a principle which made sense to me after I read about it more deeply. And I suppose I should tell you, now. 🙂 If you have issues in the mental (mostly) arena, then turn your attention to the physical for therapy and healing. Likewise, if you feel physically broken down, devote yourself to something intensely reflective (mental) to regain your feeling of inner strength. So in you specific context, this idea would recommend daily intense (for you, for your personal level, not marathon running or something) physical regimens, to gradually ease you away from the belief that you cannot accomplish anything or focus mentally& emotionally.

    Good luck in thinking about this — and in general.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I actually do agree here, at least with what I’ve experienced (mental illness using physical for help) and I found it beneficial when my OCD was the main culprit. It was one of the utter swines when the depression got worse, completely sapped of energy so I couldn’t use physical ways of trying to boost my mood. I’m doing a little better on the ups and downs though so I’m planning to be doing more physically to try sustain that while I can. Thank you for the time you took to offer this advice, I really appreciate it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Amy. You’ve been a friend through lots of this so I know you’ve seen it more than others here. I think I’m finally on the up wave (hopeful) so here’s to getting out of the long-term pit and on to the cycle! *all the hugs to you*.

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    1. Ah, this makes my heart ache. I say that sincerely, I really hate hearing that people I care about can relate to what I’m talking about. If only that box could exist. Hugs back to you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Fierce adoration back at you! Why when I write that do I get this image of rams trying to hug but also rutting horns at the same time, angry faces but cries of “NO! I luvs you more!” haha! 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hahahaha! 😂
        Coming from someone who visualises EVERYTHING I completely understand you!
        Loving that image.
        May write a poem about it and credit the inspiration to you

        ❤️❤️😘

        Liked by 1 person

  5. When they saw something different in someone that they didn’t like or feared or perhaps even envied as some kind of subversive way out from reality.
    It’s no choice. I know that.
    From someone who understands you, all you can do is ride it out, love. Take that demon that bats its wings against the insides of your head and tie it down in your arms, tell it you love it because it is a part of you and watch it eventually (I promise) disintegrate as you laugh at the folly of your highly intelligent and intricate mind.
    Love you ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Gosh, just the riding out and riding out eh. I *touch wood* feel like I’m coming out of a very, very long depression though. I’m not getting my hopes up yet because I’ve had some mood cycles before, but this is a little more rapid on and off. Anything but another year in the dark… Thank you for understanding and for being a friend. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Riding it out…worst advice but possibly the only. Even if you see a therapist…they don’t have a magic wand. WP is my therapy.
        Of course honey. Always here for my precious Arbie ❤️❤️😘🤗

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, I can see how well you understand and that makes me really feel for you. It’s so accurate, the fact that it truly effects all those around us too. Thank you for being such a good friend, Walt. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Your experience is much like mine, but after a long time I found a balanced way. The key for me was a comprehensive suite of 5 integral factors. Yours may differ, but I think generally these can help anybody, with or without a diagnosis. In my case, it was: a) Giving up wealth in favor of simplicity with comfort. b) Establishing a lifestyle involving extensive time spent in the forest, and making an hour’s walk in the woods my first go-to help when the illness seems to have dragged me back to the dark. No forest? City walking is A LOT better than no walking. (I tell people my religion is Walking.) c) Getting a dog (now deceased, but was a tremendous blessing for 8 years). d) Hunting relentlessly, for a good psychologist, and STAYING with her, WEEKLY (or as much as you can afford). It took me decades to discover mine, but the result was worth it. Now, it’s been It’s been 13 years with her at the same time, same day, every week. Her presence stays with me all the time now, everywhere. The relationship is the therapeutic “magic,” and that takes time and regularity. d) Medication. 3 meds in my case. And it took a lot of trial and error and even some abuse by professionals to get a correct diagnosis and treatment. Again, persistence. Hard to have persistence — impossible — when the brain is melting and taking the body and soul with it, I know. So persist in knowing it is always worth trying again, no matter how many times it does not work. Actually, it IS working. You haven’t lost your dog until you stop looking for it. But if you have a comprehensive, integral set of things working for you, today one may be the key to keep you on balance, or near enough, tomorrow another, but every day they rely on each other. People talk about having a support “network.” Family and friends were more trouble to me than help. Seriously. Really bad trouble. I like to say, “When it comes to mental health, the main difference between me and my family is that I’m in treatment.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so so much for this extremely helpful comment. It really hit the nail on the head and I’m sure I’ll be back to read it again. I won’t be able to get a dog (although I did want one for a long time) but I find a lot of comfort in my ferrets! Animals are incredible.

      “Again, persistence. Hard to have persistence — impossible — when the brain is melting and taking the body and soul with it, I know. So persist in knowing it is always worth trying again, no matter how many times it does not work. Actually, it IS working.”

      I love this part so much because it empathises with what happens when ill but also has an optimistic spirit to it.

      Thank you again. Much hugs and wellness to you, my friend.

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      1. Whew. Glad I didn’t impose my head too much on yours. Thank you for the blessings.

        Ferrets are cool. I guess you don’t take them hiking, but relationship with any animal can be like magic. Relationship is the offspring of the union of souls, a child of a sort, and a sacred one. Tending to it as sacred is an activity that draws your love and healing power into action. Glad you have them!

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