Not so sure about that one

I was going to title this post “not really feelin’ kids” but thanks to some retrospective realization before it becoming, er postrospect panic, I renamed it something more appropriate and less creepy.

To be clear, this isn’t something I’m stressing over and it doesn’t enter my thoughts that often. But, for the sake of using this blog again just for some exercise I think I’ll just blog like I used to and talk openly about my thoughts.

In the spirit of the past, I’ll also take a quick detour to be bluntly honest and say I have been hesitant to write on this blog because for some reason I had a fair few nights of feeling a lot of shame for speaking so honestly (and yet still hardly honestly enough) about things like mental illness etc. It just crept up on me and sent shivers down my spine any time I thought about coming back here. I’ll talk more about that another day though, I’m sure. Oh! I also started writing more opinionated posts but didn’t yet have the courage to press publish. Maybe in the future.

Ha, saying that, I just realized that this might be a topic that causes divide. Although, I doubt it. Or at least, it shouldn’t since it’s just meandering thoughts on this.

It’s about children and isn’t all that interesting (although maybe more so than spiders… depends on what you like, I guess). I’m not sure that I want them, children that is, not spiders. At times I wonder if maybe I just don’t want my own, and at other times I realize I’m too selfish for children in general but then also not too selfish because one reason I don’t think I should have children is the genetic risk of passing on my mental illness. That is something that I can’t avoid and really should think seriously about. Then I think well what about adoption? And then I go back to remembering I am far too wrapped up in what I want for my future to think about what a kid would want and perhaps I’ll always be that way.

It’s not like I’m considering doing any of this next week, or even next year, which is why I said above that it’s not something I’m stressed about. I also don’t really have friends so it’s not as if I’m watching everyone reach different life stages ahead of me, and to be honest, other than in career, that stuff never bothered me anyway.

I think it’s just an inevitable thought process and conversation with my husband. We’ve spoken about it since before we married and we’re both (thankfully) in the same boat when it comes to being indecisive. We’re also not concerned with needing our children to be biological so we aren’t rushing against any clock coming too soon (not that I buy into the nonsense that as women we’re over the hill at 25 – another rant for another day).

If I’m going to be really honest, I suppose I’ve just never had that maternal need… desire? I don’t know what to call it. That feeling some women have of wanting children. I felt for quite some time something was wrong with me for missing that feeling. I love children, don’t get me wrong. I’m okay with them too. Well, I’m not too brilliant with babies because I don’t much know what to do with them and I’m always terrified I’ll break them. It’s just, whenever I’ve held one, I’ve not felt any desire to have one of my own.

Am I supposed to feel like that to even consider some day having my own children? It’s not the same when they are older though, then I think children are awesome and really enjoy chatting with them and hearing their thoughts and trying to answer their questions. My eldest nephew is one of my favourite people in all the world and pretty much always has been, but when he was a baby I felt uncomfortable and always on edge like I was doing something wrong. Maybe that would mean adopting an older child would be the best path should we ever take it. Of course, I’m not so naïve as to think that doesn’t come with its own challenges.

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this before, or maybe I’ve thought about writing it, or written it but not posted it. I do that a lot. I guess we all go over the same thoughts at some point though so this is me readdressing it.

Oh! Of course, I wouldn’t even think of having children before I was on a good path with my health. I’m not that reckless and unkind. This is all just future thought faff. I’d like to give myself a proper chance at life before becoming responsible for anyone else’s.

Hmm, hmm… Ah well. Pancake day soon. The world isn’t too full of worries!

Arbie X

7 thoughts on “Not so sure about that one”

  1. I don’t want kids, and have always maintained that, but I’m constantly going up against the “you’ll change your mind”. People think it’s selfish to not want them, particularly as a woman because we’re expected to have that maternal instinct (which I absolutely don’t have), but there’s an increasing number of people opting not to have them in recent years. At the end of the day, you have to just live your best life, and if that doesn’t include children then that’s grand.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha oh the ol you’ll change your mind crew! It’s weirder still when it’s strangers! Sometimes I think people just relay a societal script when not knowing what to say in the face of something a bit different. You’re right though, a lot of people are opting not to or choosing to wait until later in life. There’s a huge shift happening all over the books with gender roles and decisions to have children. None of the friends I still talk to have children and they don’t seem to be lacking for it. I think it’s all personal and nobody should be made to feel bad for their choice in it, whether it’s women who live for babies, or women like us who are fine without!

      Liked by 1 person

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