A beautician and a biker walk into a bar

And then… and then what? What do a beautician and a biker have to do with one another? Is the biker a beautician? The beautician a biker? Is that one and the same? Are they lovers? Enemies? Why were they calling us at five in the morning? Why, Terence? Why?

I feel like this is a riddle that we haven’t yet figured out, or just spam, but it’s more exciting if a riddle isn’t it? Anyway, to make some sense of this, from five in the morning and for the following few hours my husband repeatedly got phone calls that would ring once and then hang up. When he tried to call back it would invite him to a conference call, but only, and this is where I like to think there is a conspiracy theory, only if he were to put in the pin code. The secret pin code. Okay, it didn’t say seeecreeettt pin code (imagine that being said in the wobbly tone of a ghost), but that’s what we’re going to pretend it said.

After we had tried to call back the first number and got the seeecreeet pin code message, we decided to search them both online. The first led us to the contact page of a beautician, and the second to the member of a biker club. Next came a third number that seemed to have no name attached to it, only a place – Atlanta, GA. Zombies. Maybe. Actually, why yes! Yes to the zombies!

I’m on to you zombie prevention centre of anti-disease and face-biting, or whatever you are called.

So now we have three numbers calling here and there, one after the other, all hanging up after the initial brrrrrrng. Until… until we answer a new number, and this number, this one says something in French. Now, I learned some French in school, and I’ve been to France a few times, but to put it bluntly my French is merde! Eheheh. That being said, I’m fairly certain the last of what was said were numbers.

Numbers for what? Oh ho ho! The conference call I am sure! The zombie conference call for anti-disease, face-biting and neck-clawing (the divisions are expanding as I add in more zombie types) I am sure!

Now that we are all on the same page, and we all believe that these three numbers ending in: 30, 29, and 20 are people from the anti-disease, face-biting, neck-clawing, and leg-nibbling committee (zombies are breeding by the second, we need more divisions, MORE!) it is time for us to wonder what they would want with us? Well, my husband I suppose given they are calling him, but I want to be involved too.

Could it be that they overheard us in the car speaking of their government branch? Or that our cat is a bit weird and could hold the cure if only given a labcoat? I don’t know… what I do know is that after a couple of hours the calls began again. This time, oooooh this time! From Albania! And Serbia! And! Somewhere we have no idea where because the number does not exist as either an area code nor an international dialling code! Aliens, I hear you ask? Well maybe!

So, you may wonder why I am coming to you with this, when evidentially I have it all figured out and already know the answer that aliens are attempting to take over the world with zombies and a conference call was taking place in a last ditch attempt to save earth. Why come here then? Why bring my knowledge of the anti-disease, face-biting, neck-clawing, leg-nibbling, and elbow-gnawing committee to the light of day when I understand the trouble this could get me in. Because, well because I need someone to know that if I vanish they are the reason why. I’ve watched enough conspiracy theory documentaries (well not really but I could have) to know that as soon as they come for you, they come for you and that it is game over, my friend. Game over! As such, regardless that these calls are most definitely spam, and not mentioning that my husband has had spam calls for months from numbers in Hawaii because it is an damn nightmare for spoof calls with that state code right now, I am instead going to prepare myself for whatever the anti-disease, face-biting, neck-clawing, leg-nibbling, elbow-gnawing, and toe-snatching committee might have in store for us and our weird cat.

Please remember me. Please remember that I am not insane and that there really is a government branch tasked with zombie research and that maybe, just maybe, today was the day they misdialled a zombie specialist in Hawaii and instead got us.

I am also very tired. And bored. But also pretty happy because I actually wrote some fiction earlier today. No this is not it. We absolutely are being watched by zombies.

Oh my good lord I was wrong.

Everything is not spiders.

Everything is zombies.

Or… wait…

Everything is spider zombies.

Or something.

Huh, spider zombies. Come to think of it, would they be more or less dangerous than non-zombie spiders. Would they still be venomous? Would their legs drop off? Perhaps zombie spiders are the lesser evil of zombies.

This must be why the anti-disease, face-biting, neck-clawing, leg-nibbling, elbow-gnawing, toe-snatching, and eight-legged-but-not-anymore-because-they-fell-off committee want me.

I have already said too much.



Arbie X

7 thoughts on “A beautician and a biker walk into a bar”

  1. Ahahaha!!!! What the actual eff????? Hilarious and come on…who doesn’t love a conspiracy ? I most certainmentally do. yeah that’s a word

    Oh but
    When you said, “Why, Terrence , why?” I laughed my bum off and remembered why I heart you so!
    so now instead of zombie spiders, I have something else running through ma maaaaaand…(my mind I mean lol)
    ” don’t do it Cartman! ”
    ” don’t you say it Cartman! ”
    “Well….Kyle’s mom’s a bit** she’s a big fat bit** she’s the biggest bit** in the whole wide world…’!
    Oh em gee
    I’m all a giggle!

    Okay rando comment over

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha honestly I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about this post. My night brain tried to tell me it was too stupid to post but my goodside brain noped that and back to peaceful sleep I went! My task is to write daily! Not necessarily write anything worth posting daily haha! Anyway, it’s fun for the likes of us who love a good conspiracy even if it’s a lark!!

      And aaaaaaaaggghjjhhhh it is impossible to read those lines without the song getting wedged in haha! I’ll be humming it later while making dinner!


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