Okay, don’t worry, he’s not actually broken. It’s just something we say because this cat has the oddest behaviour I have ever seen and I’ve seen a fair few cats in my days as a kitten witch. Just to be clear, I’m talking about our cat Fenrir (or most commonly called Fen). I’m not sure how or when he decided that this behaviour would be the best way to get my attention but it’s quite frankly psychotic, and that’s saying something given he’s already a cat.
Fen has an obsession with a toy marshmallow. It’s nothing more than a marshmallow on a string but he insists we play with Marshmawow, as we call it, nightly. Every night he drags this stick by the marshmallow to the ottoman in front of me and then looks at me with his big round eyes. The only trouble is, if I don’t pick up the stick. He will then proceed as follows. I have added the list as written by his own paw, so please excuse any spelling errors.
- Screem at human.
To do this efectivly, put face in frunt of human and screem your loudest must shrill meow. Try to make it sound like this: MARRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUWWWWWW. If this does not wurk, proceed to muuv closer to human and mrawow louder.
- Hit your human.
You may hav noticed that your human is quite stupid. This is not your human fault, it is their small brain and side ears. For this to work, make sure your snips are in their halsters. We do not want to snips the human. Don’t worry about proceeding with cortian, your human loves you. Now, paw out, and strike them. For this to work best, strike them on head or strike them on their paw if they are holding something else. It is their own fault. You instruct them play toy, they play their own toy, we beat them. Remember, no snips.
- Break in front of your human.
This is only for the most exspeeriensed of cats. If marwow and beats have not worked, it is time to break. Fust, catch human’s attention. Human must be watching. Second, begin to mawow. Be sure this is most sorry mawow you can muster. Try this: Maaawwuuuuuuuuow. Now human is watching, tilt your head to side, more, more head tilt, more, MAWOORRRR, more until head is upside down head tilt, NOW FLOPFF. FLOPFF TO THE SIDE. STAY LIKE THIS. If you have followed instrucsions properly human will pat head and pick up marshmawow.
Now place marshmawow in mouth and walk off like you dunt care and never wanted to play with marshmawow anyway.
NOTE: I tek no responsibility if hurt when break. You MUST brek responsibly. If you are on edge of something you will fall off. Human will laugh a lot at this. Not desired response. You fail.
I feel like I desperately need to film Fen doing this because while flopffing his ears are slightly going back like he plans to murder me but he also looks in the middle of singing hello darkness my old friend. It’s hilarious. And he really does beat me and meow at me until I wave the damned stick around only to hold it in his mouth. Our other cat, Fergus, when he gets hold of any toy, he’s like a demon perfect cat and he’s off with his prize. Fen just gets the cutest look on his face. And then we have to wave the stick again.
He’s actually shouting at me right now because it is the evening and therefore time for us to marshmawow. This little bit about him is actually longer than I intended.
I had a bit of a stressful day today but I think I handled it quite well. I broke a bit when we returned home (not quite like Fen does) but reading posts on here really helped and so I enjoyed derping and doing that for a bit. I’m not being vague by not going into what went on today, it’s just not really about me and so I don’t tend to talk in any detail about that stuff out of respect for other’s privacy. If you get me.
So now I’ve written this and to be honest I’m actually feeling a little more awake than usual. Not brilliant because if I want to stick to this healthier sleep schedule I need to be in bed in just over an hour. Oh! Last night I had such an awful dream that dragged itself over into reality. Well, kind of.
You know when you have a dream or a nightmare and you wake up but you’re not really awake. Yeah, like that. But with witches. But evil witches. I don’t really remember the nightmare other than being chased by witches but I remember waking up and being convinced that there was a witch standing in the corner of the room with it’s back to me. That was not fun and my half asleep brain would not let up. My more awake brain kept saying, it’s nothing, it was a dream, but my half asleep brain was like his drunk buddy nudging him and nodding in the direction of the corner “I dunno, man, I see something over there, I think it’s a witch.” Ah, Fen was right about this human brain at least.
Anyway, let’s stop there. I’m enjoying my nightly rambles even if I don’t really say much. It’s definitely working with building a habit of writing so that hopefully in a few weeks I’ll be fully in the habit that every day I write and I’ll quickly move from 1k upwards. Although I do find that I can ramble like this quite easily but writing fiction I write a lot less. All that imagining nonsense and what not I guess. Also need to resist making cups of tea. When I used to write a lot of fiction whenever I got stuck my go to was to make a cup of tea.
Fen just broke.
I need to wave marshmawow.
I did take pictures but they won’t send across from my phone. I blame the witches. I’ll add it in when they no longer want to murder me. Perhaps the marshmawow is their coven leader…
I hope you all had a wonderful day with no manipulative cats and their marshmawows! Not really, they’re super cute.