Have you seen Kevin and Perry? It’s a TV show from a while back with two adult actors playing the roles of miserable, grumpy and rude teenagers. That’s how I feel in this moment, hence the title. No idea why, just feel a bit blergh and fed up. Funny, given that around 2pm today I was going to start writing a post that was all chipper and positive about how my habit of writing was turning into me looking forward to writing.
I guess I left it in the oven 4 hours too many and now that desire to write is burnt to a crisp. Not too surprising, I’m an awful cook. I can’t even make rice. I can make stuffing though! And that always tastes good hot and on a buttered sandwich. Mmmm, I’m hungry.
Oh, okay, now I know why I’m a mess of Kevin mixed with a side of the grinch. I’m hungry! Weird, a few minutes ago I was having a moan to my husband that I wasn’t and didn’t want anything to eat even though it was getting late. To be honest, neither of us are big eaters. Unless it’s sweets, or crisps, or cakes, or lickable wallpaper. Meh, my teeth were already terrible anyway! Have I ever told you the story of how I lost my front teeth?
Gather round! It’s a good one! Actually, can I be bothered to write this right now. I feel like I’m suitably grumpy enough but do I have the patience to go back in my headspace and find all the details? Probably not. Basically, my front teeth are false. I feel like I might have spoken about this before, but maybe not. My dentists, my orthodontist being the worst, were rubbish, and I know it’s easy to blame it on your dentist but my dentist was so rubbish that after I went to a new dentist they wanted us to sue the other dentist, but I had just gotten out of the horrible claws of a bully and started making friends, I didn’t want people to know that my front teeth weren’t real. I was twelve, by the way.
So, yes, I’m missing, oh always forget about the other two, I’m actually missing my front teeth and my flat thingy ones that go between those and the canines. It was because of my canines wanting to go on a trip that all of this happened. You see, back in my day (no need for this bit, just seemed fitting because of the “you see”), the dentist had taken x rays and seen that my canines were not going where canines are supposed to go. Instead they were on a road trip and heading for my incisors, so the dentist thought it would be a good idea to pull out my adult incisors in the hope that my canines would say “thanks, love” and move into that place. Shockingly, this didn’t work. Not so fun, by the way, the local numbing stuff didn’t work on one side of my mouth so that hurt.
Anyway, when this didn’t work, she decided to not do anything for a while. Despite the roots of my front teeth now being destroyed because what my canines really wanted, was their spot. Then my orthodontist vanished, I think she went on maternity leave, and the other dentists were waiting for her. By the time she came back a lot of damage had been done and somehow, very mysteriously, all my files vanished too! That’s not shady at all, not at all. It gets better.
By this point my parents nope out and I manage to get in with new dentists who are, quite frankly, brilliant. It was interesting to read some of their notes, sneakily while waiting to see a dentist, years later, where they referred to me as “the poor unfortunate child”, I like to think I’d have been a good fit for Oliver Twist. If not for modern dentistry, I could have been the nosferatu child they brought out to scare the gentlefolk at night.
Once with these dentists I had all the xrays and checks done very quickly. I was scheduled in to see a surgeon and they did their best to try and keep my front teeth, but by this point the roots were completely destroyed and according to them my front teeth noped out of my mouth fast as soon as they began surgery, or some other more proper dentist speak. I still remember being wheeled into that room and the surgeons being so lovely, talking about the weather and asking me to count down. I think I was out for the count by about 8.
Just to quickly check in here, I’m not telling this story for sympathy, it’s just a story to tell on a story-less day.
Back to being a little-un. I still don’t actually know how they managed to get my canines to behave, but as of writing this, the buggers are sat in their less desired spot, the place where my incisors were supposed to be, and my front teeth are, well, fake. They’ve given me a fair bit of bother over the years, coming out when they weren’t supposed to. I distinctly remember being afraid of biting into anything after a sandwich knocked them out while I was at a new buddies house. I went from being super chatty to replying in grunts and head nods. The best part? That was only the first part of our fun filled day. We then went on to pizza hut to meet some of my school friends, where, and this is no word of a lie, my teeth flew out of my mouth and onto the pavement (and I actually just burst out laughing at this, I’m sure my 15-year-old self would hate me for that) and I had no other knowledge of what to do other than say I dropped my chewing gum…so yes, there was my new friend and my school friends watching what they thought was me drop my chewing gum IN THE STREET and then put it back in my mouth. I mean it was bad enough that it was my teeth, but Lordy… ahahahah.
Oh, then we went to a fair where because I couldn’t laugh or smile every ride I went on I had to pretend was rubbish because I sat there with the straightest face possible. Oh! Until we were in a dark laser tag tent, where again, my teeth flew out and I had to scramble on the ground trying to find them while swinging a damn laser gun, pretending it was “the best position to be in”. Aah, I then went home. And thankfully my parent’s house was right by the park so I could get in and be toothless and freeeeeee. For the record, these teeth were not dentures, they were a bridge, which is why I couldn’t put them back in – the glue stuff had come off.
So yes, that was all fun and games. I know I said that it gets worse. But this is a long post, and although I’m laughing, a bit of an embarrassing one. Even though I don’t hide the fact my teeth are false like I used to. But just to get back to the dentist who didn’t do what she was supposed to and then “lost” my records. Guess where her husband worked? The dental hospital where I was supposed to be getting dental implants at eighteen. Guess what never happened? I never got the implants! Guess why? They lost my records! Okay, now I’m gritting my teeth a little bit. This actually did frustrate me a lot and the only reason I followed up was because after being on what I thought was a crazy long waiting list, I spoke to a girl who knocked her own front teeth out and was being seen within the year. So, when I called only to be told that somehow my records had gone, only to then go there a few months later and see that dentist’s husband’s photo on the wall. Yeah. Lost me records again, did you?
Annoyingly, although I can’t say definitely, because of this passage of time I was never able to get implants. The bone beneath my nose was too thin and they wouldn’t be able to, well, implant them, I guess. So, I had a fancy new bridge made instead!
Anyway, I never sued. I was given the chance to again but because I wouldn’t say it had caused my depression, because frankly I had no idea how much of an impact it had on my anxiety etc, and it was a few years later I was outta tiiime. I did struggle with anorexia and eating in general for years and I’ll still tear up food rather than bite into it if there is no cutlery available, or I just won’t eat. But, it is what it is. The dentist and her husband, by the way? They now own a private facility where they supposedly “treat patients like they treat their family”. I guess their family are all toothless with lost records then!
Aaaah, that was a long post. Although I feel happy because I glanced at the word count and it was 1488, if you read this far I hope you don’t view this post as moaning. I’m not moaning. I was at the start when Kevin had possessed me, but I’m waaay past that now. To be honest, I think having such a laugh over that memory of my teeth flying out made me feel a bit better. I feel like I’ve earned me pizza!
I hope you’re having a fantastic Saturday and that if you have your front teeth cherish them! Cherish those precious sparklers! If not, cheers! May we cherish our false sparklers just as much! Haha.
NOTE: I was really young at the time all this happened so there may be a fair bit left out. Like the fact my good orthodontist had hair like a hedgehog and played music in his office. He was great. And other more important things missed out, of course.
DOUBLE NOTE: If you follow me on instagram (this is not a plug, I never post) you might have seen this picture. I just rarely smile with my nibblers on show, so using this again.