Yesterday I felt pretty good. I can’t quite remember why and that is why yesterday me said to write this post in preparation, but I didn’t listen to yesterday me because tomorrow me thought present me was being stupid. So, instead you get today me trying to remember what I was feeling. I know that it had something to do with writing a poem and that it was different to how it used to be.
Yesterday I got the urge to write a poem again. Not the, oh I want to, but the oh a line! I can work with this! I then sat down and tried to write a poem. It felt very, very different. Whenever I would write poetry in the past there was an adrenaline boost to it. I’d recite what I’d previously written over and over whenever I lost track of the rhythm I was working with and usually it would put me back on track. Yesterday, this didn’t happen. I had on suitably good drown out real world music, I had an idea in mind, but there was no adrenaline rush.
Whenever I’d lose the pace or the feel of the poem, I’d read it out but rather than feeling eager to continue I felt stunted and flat. There was no excitement like there used to be. It might sound odd but I used to get a similar rush from writing poetry (or just writing in general) as I got from working out. Some kind of serotonin or whatever booster. But yesterday? Even when I had finished I was honestly left feeling like I wanted to cry.
I felt absolutely drained and I had no idea why I felt emotional. It’s not like I felt super proud for writing a poem finally after a long, long time. I also didn’t feel such disappointed in what I came up with that I wanted to cry about it. I just felt so exhausted and so much like I wanted to cry and then utterly confused and alien from all of these feelings associated with writing. It was uncomfortable.
But, I’m not going to let it deter me from continuing on this recovery path. I’m not going to turn back when the going gets tough, or uh, weird. I said it up there and despite the strange exhaustion and misery that came with writing that poem I am still feeling pretty good about just getting it done anyway. Even when it felt impossible, when the right words were a millions miles away and there was no melody to it, I just trampled on clumsily.
It’s all practice though and what I’ll remind myself should I not feel like trying again, is that the poem itself might not have been what I wanted, but I sure as hell imagined, and ain’t that just half our writerly battle when the ol brain cogs are a bit rusty.
I’m sure there was more to this but it’s hard to write about feeling a bit down when I just had a phone call with my dad. It’s one of my favourite things to do. I don’t understand why some people think the right way to treat their parents is dismissively and not even give them a chance at friendship (obviously here I’m talking about your average family relationship and not abusive ones etc). But I am on good terms with my parents and I can talk for hours with my dad, and my mom.
Anyway, what I’m saying is yesterday’s mood is done and gone and it isn’t going to interfere with my goals. I had a good chat with my dad and he sounded in good health and spirit so that of course has me in a better mood. My dad’s also a writer as well, so talking to him about this stuff also helped.
I’ll be off now while my tea is still the slightest bit warm. I think I’m going to start exploring word prompts and the like again. I need to discover some new blogs because a fair few of the people I used to follow don’t seem to be about these days. Speaking of new blogs though, I would like to mention these two that I’ve been reading.
One is a writer who posts his responses to word prompts on reddit. He writes predominantly fantasy and he’s very good: https://draconiquesdrafts.wordpress.com/
The other is a writer who posts about topics that are super interesting to me (and maybe some of you!), mysteries, aliens, the unknown, all sorts of things, and does a brilliant job of it, too: https://theorbis.home.blog/
Hope you check them out because, trust me, they’re worth it! Annnnnd as always, hope you’re all doing well!