I thought that I had already written something today. I suppose I kind of have, but it was a half-finished poem that wasn’t really something I wanted to publish up on the ol’ wordpress just yet. I don’t really know where I was going with it to be honest. I just had a title I liked and off we go! Kind of like a word prompt of my own.
I keep telling myself to get back into word prompts. Although I’m writing again, and that is grand, I’m still not at any story building point. I have a lot I want to talk about with book writing and publishing and what not, just not yet because it makes me a bit anxious. I think a word prompt will be a good way to imagine a bit here and there though, I mean that’s what it really is, isn’t it? A creativity prompt or an imagination prompt.
I am still going to continue with that short ghost story, and if I try and say why I haven’t just yet it will be excuses and I try not to lie on my blog. The truth is I’ve just shied away from writing it as of yet, no other reason than not feeling up to the task. I really need to practice being a planner instead of a pantster (or whatever it’s called), that I think will help me a lot. A plan that I can refer back to and have loosely in my mind but not something that I need to address whenever I feel like writing.
I actually tried to do Nanowrimo this year but man that was just a false start. Talk about running before you can walk. I am feeling better though. Wanting to stand in the garden more, look after myself more and test and try new ways to get some control over unwanted thoughts. I had it in my head earlier that I wanted to cut off my toes… haha. I just say it out loud now. Takes away some of the confusion of wait, have I done that already and means I can just laugh about it. I want to be able to use knives and my husband generally doesn’t feel comfortable with that just yet, but I like cooking lately (not with my toes) so it’s just something we need to work with.
I’ve also, kind of, looked at therapists to go see. I’m nervous about it though. I think I wrote about this before but I feel a lot of worry about seeing a therapist and I think it might come with being in a different country and not knowing what to expect. I have seen psychologists with my husband (his, not mine) and they have been lovely, so I really don’t know what I’m so worried about. I guess it’s probably nothing to do with being in a different country and actually more to do with just needing to tell the whole story again, or breaking down that barrier of normalcy I’ve worked so hard over the years to perfect.
It’s funny because while I was in the shower, I was thinking about obstacles that get in our way and how irritating it is that my biggest obstacle has been myself. I know what is wrong is a serious mental illness and I shouldn’t really call it myself, but for fucks sake, I feel like if not for that everything would be so different. I guess we can all say “but what if” about a lot of things though. Back to thinking positively, at least I’m in a place now to start thinking about getting more help and to be helping myself more. Yep, given where I was mentally just a year ago, that is a huge step forward.
I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable with what I’m writing about so I’m going to change the topic.
I started writing something last night that I actually found myself hesitant to post. I mean, I’m often hesitant to post everything I write but oddly I find comfort in how few people read these and comfort in seeing familiar faces pop up now and again. You know who you are, buddies! But, it was a silly post to do with the current virus shopping scare. I was worried people would think I wasn’t taking COVID-19 seriously, even though I know I am and that I often cope with things through humour. Something you probably don’t know about me because humour isn’t something I often write about on here. I actually only recently told my husband that if not for wanting to be a writer if I could be anything it would be a stand up comedian. Stop laughing! Actually, continue laughing!
I don’t know. I like the idea of making people feel better through humour, the way many comedians have helped me. There’s also just something very appealing to me in making light of ridiculous things that seem to be normalized, or making fun of a lot of things to be honest. I mean, like I said up there, one way I coped with what I went through was by making fun of myself for it a lot. I actually got told off by my psychologist once. I think I over tried to cope with that coping mechanism and was told “this isn’t funny, this is a serious illness.” Yeah, but, after you’ve literally (and I mean that) spent the best part of your evening trying to lock the back door and leave the kitchen you need a bit of comedy relief damnit and if I can pretend I’m Gandalf shouting YOU SHALL NOT PASS at invisible head-threats or head-genies that promise the world in exchange for eight more checks then by George am I gonna do it!
I think it’s possible to take something incredibly seriously and also find humour in it. I think it’s a way we all cope. Maybe I learned it from my parents? My dad has had to learn to live his life much differently than he used to after an operation, but he is so positive and makes light out of so much that has and continues to happen. His attitude is inspiring, and although he’s always been one to just power on through tough times, this is probably the most I’ve ever seen him give a big middle finger to fate and say “not today, mother fucker!” or something a lot less vulgar than that because he’s not one for throwing language around like his terrible daughter. But his falling ill is a huge reason I pushed myself to start writing again, that’s a different post I’m writing though.
Anyway, Fergus (one of our cats) is insisting its cuddle time and is now tucked under my left arm. I’d continue writing but he keeps looking up at me with seriously cute eyes because he wants strokes. At least he’s not beating me with Marshmawow. Although marshmawow is on the back burner at the moment. Fenrir has decided he wants to throw an old toy at us now instead. Some scraggly green thing with bells or something on it that drives the other cats nuts.
I hope you’re all having a brilliant Saturday. I have seen from your posts many of you are worried about COVID-19 but you all seem to be coping with those worries through your creativity which is brilliant. Remember, stick together and find support in each other!