Good afternoon! Or morning, or evening. Wherever I happen to find you! I’m a bit under the weather today. No, I don’t think it’s COVID-19. I think I’m just feeling the lack of sleep over the past few days. It’s that time again where after a couple of nights good sleep, I just can’t sleep. It’ll work itself out. And just in case anyone thinks I’m being irresponsible by not thinking it’s COVID-19, I’m not planning to go anywhere. I rarely ever go anywhere. But, just in case, I have been checking my temperature and if I do need to go anywhere it won’t be unless all is okay. Or, to be honest, I’ll just play it safe for other people and not go out. But, then again, given how often this happens, that would probably mean not leaving the house ever.
Even before not sleeping I said to my husband that I probably wouldn’t be going into the clinics with him. Not because there’s anything wrong with me, but because I’ve had a persistent cough for many, many years and along with allergies I think I would terrify people into thinking I’m infected. Unless he needs me in there, it’s not worth my going in and worrying people for that alone, but also because of the whole social distancing thing.
That’s actually a funny one for me. Not funny, as such, I suppose, but interesting. I’m a recluse, not a brown one, I don’t bite (is this a dad joke?). But due to severe OCD, as I’ve mentioned before, I was housebound unless I had help leaving the house, this was for a couple of years. Actually, not even housebound, bedroombound at times! Crazy, I know. So, watching the world fall apart over the idea of not being able to socialize or partake in regular social activities is, actually, really quite neat. No, not because I’m evil and cackling mwahahah now you must face the misery of the truly socially anxious for whom a shopping trip is hell and social life does not exist for one cannot befriend that which is unbefriendable! Although, a small part of me feels that way towards those who don’t believe in mental illness. But, mostly because I used to be wildly social and so seeing how social the world still is, to put it bluntly, it’s nice.
I don’t think it’s vicarious living. It’s just, despite my own issues, I really push for people being out and meeting each other in person, having conversations in person, laughing beside each other and not behind a screen. The loneliness issue many people are facing, I suppose because I have really been there, it gets to me. So, even though I’m witnessing this while people are unable to socialize, it’s a damn good thing to see how many people desperately want to be able to be around others again. Although, those who are disregarding others safety, especially those with a positive diagnosis, grumble grumble towards them.
I guess I’ve been thinking about socializing and friendship a little bit more today. A good friend of mine, although I doubt he could say the same for me at this point, messaged me asking how I am. It would seem a small thing to reply to a message, in fact it would seem downright rude not to, wouldn’t it? Well, that’s exactly who I am. I shy away from messages from friends and family, the only ones I consistently will reply to are my parents. Everyone else, or anyone else who still bothers with me, knows it could be months before I reply. I can’t say why I struggle with this, other than the obvious social anxiety, but it does get to me that I can’t be a better friend. Especially towards those who have been such brilliant friends to me.
Actually, I kind of know exactly why I shy away from replying to people. I know I’ll let them down. I’ll vanish. It doesn’t matter how many times I say I’m not well people think that it is them, and, I can’t keep up a relationship too easily. It always feels awful to do this to people and so I avoid it altogether. Otherwise, there are expectations to meet up and catch up and honestly my life has been a bit miserable and I just don’t want to talk about it. Weird, I know, with how much I moan about things on here, but I actually barely talk about what goes on with me. Just a comment here or there. The thing is, I can’t mention one thing without a torrent of other things needing to be explained. I’m actually starting to look forward to therapy because maybe finally I can tell someone everything.
But, as of right now, this is a journal for me that people can read if they want. It still isn’t in-depth though. It’s my own version of social distancing. Say a lot so people think they know a lot but in reality, I mean, we all keep back a fair bit, don’t we?
The thing is, when it comes to friends, I’m now a country away from everyone I knew. So why is it still so hard to speak with people? I guess it is just what I said above. As much as I can talk for England, I just choke up about certain things and I don’t want to be put in that position. And, say I do reply once, who knows when I will again?
A few hours go by…
Well, you know what, I got my shit together and I messaged people back today that I haven’t in a long time. I’ll let you know if the locusts arrive but as of right now hell has not frozen over. I still haven’t replied to their replies though… but that’s also because I worry about time difference. It’s amazing how nice and forgiving people can be. I know I won’t be able to be in consistent back and forth, but hopefully I can explain and maybe be a better friend. Or, I’ll just avoid everything and everyone again because people are overwhelming.
You know, I used to put off replying to comments on here too. I would get incredibly anxious and so I’d tell myself to do it later and then another would come in and I’d just stress the hell out about sounding stupid or something else awful. I now make a point of replying as soon as I can. Perhaps, since I can do that here, soon I’ll be able to do it with text messages, too. Well, maybe not soon, but eventually.
Other than all this, today we tried to do some maintenance on the AC unit, thingy, thing (I took a few hours break between the start of this post and now). I’ve never had one in England so it’s all a giant evil Home Alone furnace to me. But, last year it gave us a lot of trouble so before turning it on this year we’ve cleaned it up real good. It took a number of hours, but it’s old and needs the best shot it’s got. Unfortunately, our real estate agent wasn’t the most honest and when he said it looked new I mean, I don’t know, I guess new can be a 20 year old AC unit for some people? Either way, we’ve been told to get home warranty on it but when I spoke to the insurers I wasn’t too convinced that it actually would be covered despite it having professional maintenance and us keeping up with it. I’ll read more reviews and live chat more strangers about our old AC as soon as I can. It’s getting ridiculously hot here and ceiling fans only do so much!
Annyyywayyy, it’s super late and I wasn’t going to publish this post. It’s a bit meh, I don’t feel too good about it. But, I have a goal and I’m sticking to it. Oh! And. I feel a lot better now. I just needed to hydrate, eat, and I don’t know, let my body and mind do whatever it does that means it sorts itself out later in the day after I’ve not slept. It’s really good. It means that I’m exhausted all through the day but I keep myself awake and then by nightfall I’m wide awake and as soon as my head hits the pillow BAM ain’t not sleep gonna happen any time soon. Hopefully I’ll sleep tonight. I like sleep.
Hope you’re all well and feeling good and that none of you have come in contact with any nasties.