Ode to self doubt

All the attention I pay to locking the physical

and in through a mental gap you slip

sticking to parts of me like oil

suffocating that which brought me joy

making even now in writing this

me doubt myself

in

a constant drone

a reminder of uselessness

of ugliness

of foolishness

worthlessness

soon to be nothingness

what suffering did I impact on another

to bring this on myself

what imbalance in karma did I cause

which part of me crumbled first

I ask of the silence only that which a voice could answer

but silence reigns here

old knowledge hushed by ghostly hands

while nothing but noise resides in my head

quiet quiet quiet

you are wrong

and as such I am wrong

if I am to believe this voice is mine

I fight the urge to thrash my words to the ground

to scream into the empty air

a dying wish

a last chance

a cornered animal

with one final request

to understand who holds the gun to my head

when I already know these fingers are mine

 

 

 

Hi,

I know, I know, life sucks. I was feeling shitty and so I word mushed but it didn’t do anything for me or like I wanted it to. Let’s just view this as a short ramble because my brain ain’t in the way for the rambling man right now.

Hope you’re all feeling well and happy!

Arbie X

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “Ode to self doubt”

  1. Self doubt can destroy a person from within. As they say fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. Do not lose faith in your capabilities. We all are bigger than our demons. Thanks for sharing such an emotional post! According to your convenience please do read some of my writings would love to know what you think about them. 🙏😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment and your encouraging words! And for pointing me in the direction of your blog. I very much like your writing voice and from reading only a couple of your posts so far I can already see a kindred spirit who understands these doubts and fears and how we struggle but must continue to try and rise against them. I hope you’re keeping well and will be hopping back over!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Pleasure was entirely mine Arbie. You’ll probably spoil me with your kindness lol. I’m truly humbled by your generosity. I’m glad to have discovered your blog. You are a magnificent writer and I look forward to reading more of your writings in the near future. Never doubt your potential. I’ll be a regular reader of your writings & would provide you regular feedbacks. Apart from this please do let me know if I can assist you in any way regarding growing your blog.😊

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I know about those self doubt issues all too well…. .and those moments of blankness( they’re terrible and strange)…. but don’t worry …keep mushing away…. I’m listening with one eye open…I’m finding it hard over the last 2 weeks to stay focused, and anxieties are creeping all over body, …. the world’s situation is difficult to keep at two-arms length, and I feel like an unborn larva, all squishy and soft……
    Here’s a song from great Aussie singer….💙🌏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no, Ivor, I’m so sorry you’re feeling anxious. 😔 Is it about coronavirus? It’s being spoken about everywhere, isn’t it? I’ll have to wait until I’m on my laptop to listen to the song because for some reason they never show in the app! Stay safe and try to stay calm! 🌹

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ivor tends to take on the worry’s of the world in his mind, and they flow out as poems, but I pour so much of my inner energy into my words, sometimes it just wears me out…..xx

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Tom! I’m sorry you find it relatable (I think I’d be a bit cruel if I were glad haha!) but hope you realize your own strenghs too. I also think I’d be cruel giving you a hug back given this horrible cough I’ve got! So, just in case, *distant high five and air guitar*

      Liked by 1 person

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