I feel awful. Not necessarily physically, but mentally. I feel like I’m betraying my life, my spouse, my goals and dreams. Ironically, ever since that dream…
It’s been a number of nights now and I’m still dreaming the same dream where I’m myself only better. This is what I mean. I’m comparing my life to that of a dream version of myself and I’m beginning to want things I never thought were important.
I never cared for expensive cars, big houses, carefully placed yet not sentimental ornaments. I always told myself, I made a promise to myself, that should I ever amount to any sort of wealth it wouldn’t see my pockets but it would go to charity. And here I am, waking up from the same materialistic Groundhog Day dream wishing I could go back into it when only a few days ago I wanted to stay out of it.
Oh, to add to this, there’s no crash. After that jarring experience where I would wake up and be dragged back into that same point of the jolt and the blackness, there is none of that now. It’s just the dream. It’s just waking up next to my husband, but rather than it being our life, it’s a different life. One I wonder, one I keep trying to tell myself, isn’t better than the one we built together. That is what I mean about feeling like I am betraying him, betraying us.
I feel like that is only the beginning though. It’s like an addiction is forming. I used to not look forward to sleep, I’d feel sad that the day was over, but now I want sleep just to go back into that dream. I’m starting to feel irritable if I’m woken just as I’m falling asleep. Our dog barked and I had to bite my tongue to prevent the anger spilling out.
In the dream we have a dog, too. This fluffy little thing that bounds around and wouldn’t look out of place with a gold medal swinging from its collar. Our dog is some kind of mix, some shaggy thing that got frisky with a shepherd dog or something. What is wrong with me? I love our dog. I waited my entire life to get a dog just like him and now I’m even comparing him to some dream variation of himself.
All I feel is guilt and the only answer to that guilt is the dream, and that thought process is one I keep pushing away. But, my arms feel weaker as the walls close in, comforting yet steel walls that draw my eyelids closed from this real world.
I can’t say if the presence is still there or not. I spend so much of my time in that room just willing forward sleep that even if it was I probably wouldn’t care to notice. I wonder if my husband has noticed anything odd with me? I wonder if he knows, or if I should tell him.
Every part of me rejected the idea of telling him. A thousand little voices all crying no filled my head. A warning that telling him would mean the dream would die. For that reason, I know that I need to tell him. I tell him everything. Why have I not told him about this?
Note: This is all fiction, none of it is real! I do wish I had a scraggy dog, though.
I didn’t write how this works in the previous posts because I wanted to just get on with writing it and not worry about anything. But, just so people know what I’m doing, this is my take on the subreddit NoSleeps form of storytelling.
Basically, people write about paranormal or just weird things that are happening to them as though they are real, and people reply as though it is real. It’s like a roleplay between a writer and their audience. I never really expect anyone to read my posts and so I didn’t take the time to explain. I hope this clears things up.
Please also note that this is purely for fun and these are drafts that I write, read through for error and then post. There may be inconsistency in this story (if anyone is following it) because I have no idea where I’m going with it.
A long time ago I wrote that I was going to do this on this blog, and then I never did. This is partly the reason I just got on with it two days ago. I haven’t been on reddit and read NoSleep in some time, but it is brilliant with some very, very good writers. So I highly recommend it.
I’ll be posting the above in a future ramble!
I do hope you’re all well.
Real Arbie X