This post is going to have some profanity in it. I don’t normally warn about something like that, because I have a lot of profanity in me, but oh boy will this have some interesting lyrics!
First of all. Let me tell you that I am foot stupid. Foot stupid you ask? Well you didn’t, but for the purpose of this blog, we pretend that you did. Ahem, what is foot stupid?
Foot stupid is knowing that a specific pair of shoes will give you NASTY blisters if you don’t wear socks and NOT wearing socks anyway.
Who did I think I was? The Mike Tyson of the foot world? Like I could just throw caution to the wind and have my stinky feet sockless in my shoes without a care in the world? Well now, for my brazen disregard of foot rules, I have to suffer.
Plasters can’t even keep these bad boys safe. But it doesn’t matter. I have a Stella now. I have responsibilites and I can’t skip walkies because she’s an aussie and her energy is that of a toddler on sugar sticks! I’ve thought about walking in flip flops but I mean, the bugs out here… THE BUGS OUT HERE.
There is a bug called an ASSASSIN BUG. Not fluffy tiddly winkle bug, ASSASSIN. And one bit my husband. No, not bit. They don’t bite. They stick their long mouth thing inside your skin and melt it. MELT IT.
Sorry for all the shouting but those things are no joke. I saw one near Stella when we first got her and someone may as well have been walking towards us with a gun I reacted so badly. But I heard my husband yell when he was bitten by one. They supposedly feel like a bullet wound.
EW argh. They’re all over me. I feel their legs scuttling across my arms.
So, have you ever thought about what your last words will be if you die?
I did earlier today.
I wasn’t going to die. I wasn’t even close to it. But the song that I was singing to my husband, the song that’s been stuck in my head for days now, morning and night, is quiiiiittee the song.
And as I rounded up on “lickin’ on my balls” I realised that if I died, I did not want my last words to be:
“I’ve got bitches all over my dick every day, suckin on my balls, lickin on my balls”
As hilarious as it would be. As it is. Imagining my mother sobbing, asking my husband if I said anything before I passed.
“She went in peace, with bitches lickin on her balls”
Well anyway, I did not want it to be that. Although maybe I should have that written on my gravestone. I always imagined I’d be cremated but with an epitaph like that I feel like I’m wasting beautiful poetry!
As vile as those song lyrics are, the tune is so damn catchy. I’ll post it so that I can look back in shame in the future.
I hope you’re all having an interesting day in the best possible way!
PS If I lose all followers after this I understand. I truly do. But…
I got bittttchhheeessss alll on myyy diiickkk every daaaaaaay!