Tag Archives: personal blog

Shame you frisky devil

Shame is weird. I tend not to have too much of it but I guess a little while ago it got the better of me.

I just got done making allllll the posts I made private public again, and I’m trying to understand my thought process. I know it was after my diagnosis of rapid cycling bipolar disorder, after I started medication and began to feel better, and I guess I just looked back on the hot mess that is this blog and crumpled.

Maybe that’s what I was doing, screwing up the blog posts and throwing them in the trash, wishing they had never been written let alone seen.

Now I’m planning on writing much more frequently again, because hey, it’s kinda natural to me like I’m sure it is to most of you. I wanted the posts back. I mean, why not? They might be a hot mess but they’re my hot mess and one thing I always liked about myself is that I’m honest to a fault, honest about all my faults.

It was cathartic (I’m sure I butchered that spelling) making those posts public again, and one reason is because doubt had sunk its teeth in.

My post yesterday was talking about struggling to write and I thought to myself while I wrote it, damn I struggle with writing a lot. I’m always struggling with it. I’ll write half a book and then drop it. I’ll just run out of steam after chugging along like a Japanese bullet train. I started to think maybe I’m a fraud? I’m not really a writer, I’m always complaining that I can’t write!

Then I took on the task of bringing back my old posts. 243 of them. That’s a lot of writing. Even if it’s bitching and moaning about writing it’s still writing and it’s not even calculating in all the words I’ve written for the many, many books I’ve started. Hundreds of thousands of them. And not for university or school or whatever, just out of pure love for writing.

I was about to write “I just need to get on with it” but if there’s something that going through those old posts taught me is to just back off a little. Have a bit of forgiveness. You have a serious mental illness and your biggest tool in writing is your brain. If you can’t then you can’t. It doesn’t mean don’t try, but it does mean don’t destroy yourself over it. Yeah, punching bag all those negative thoughts. Nothings going to kill your writing spirit like telling yourself over and over that you can’t write, so instead it’s just difficult sometimes.

I’m also not going to buy into the idea my medications have destroyed my imagination, but you know what? If they have so be it. I’d rather be alive than write another book. But, like I said, I don’t believe that. I think that I just need to get used to this new lifestyle. I mean, I sleep now. At night and everything.

Oh interesting I’m getting YouTube adverts in Spanish. My friends have taught me some interesting words in Spanish but none of them were said in that advert…. eheheheh.

So yeah. IF I end up only speaking about mental health still then whatever. I don’t lead an interesting life okay! I’m very in my own head. Live in the moment? Be present? Pfft! More like set up a cushy little corner in my brain and rip myself a new one!

Ah. Now. See, shame. It’s there. It’s telling me to be quiet. No one needs to read this, to see this deep into the ol’ noggin’. Write about nargles and periwinkles.

Maybe I should just have this song as the intro to all of my blog posts:

Eheheheh

Arbie X

We danced the whole night through!

Okay I’m sorry, that’s a lie. There was no dancing. I’ll wave my hands in the air for you now though. Woooooo. There, hands waved.

I just wanted to title the blog Goodmornin’, goodmornin’, but I didn’t think it would have the required earworm effect.

But yes! Ah! Morning! Well, not too early in the morning. It’s 10am. I just really didn’t want to write right now so I thought well that means for my writing training now is the best time to write!

I’m jumping back on that bicycle. Rolling with that wave! Rolling with that wave? Can you tell I don’t surf. Heck, I can barely swim. My husband actually taught me to swim when he lived in Hawai’i and I was visiting. Not in the ocean, I’m not crazy. Yes, that’s right, I think people who swim in the ocean are crazy. I mean have you seen that thing? It eats people for lunch!

*shudders*

I wish I were that brave.

You know when to use was and when to use were always trips me up. There are a bunch of words like that. When to use effect or affect. When to say “flopbip and I” or “me and flopbip”. I don’t know a flopbip, but it might be a name Elon Musk considers for one of his next kids. I wonder if there is a kid somewhere called floppy disk.

If you think about it, Floppy Disk is the name of the future for parents of the eighties and nineties. It’s not much different from naming your child X-ea (I’m not sure what Musk’s kids are called although I think one is called Sidereal which is pretty neat in my book).

Ah so things are going well with Stella and the cats. We messed up yesterday and let one of our cats get close while she had a chew treat though and there was an air snap. Lesson learned. Stellas do no appreciate kitty flanking when trying to happy munch.

We’re taking it super slow and have her on a loose line even while in the house. Introductions are taking time but I’d rather introductions end on wins and not on a negative so we call it after 10 – 15 minutes at the moment.

I think that because some of our cats were feral they just don’t fear dogs. And I don’t want them to be shaking in their furry boots fearing her, but just some common sense would be nice. Not that one of our cats has much of that.

He’s called Chidi and I’m going to attach a picture of him crying at me because he’s “trapped” on the other side of the doggy gate.

“Help! I can’t walk 5 inches to my right!”

He’s a special boy.

Right, well, there’s some rambling. Now I think it’s time to go walk Stella. She was doing well with just one walk a day but now that she’s starting to get more energy and coming out of her shell more it’s looking like she might need two. That’s fine. I need to lose a bit of weight. Moving to America introduced me to Popeyes and it’s been downhill from there.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Arbie X

Tricksy fingersy

I have made the wise decision to write a blog post while my nails are wet. I just painted them black, cause I’m cool, and I thought what better a thing to do than to write a blog post!

I just noticed this paragraphs look smaller than usual, why is that. What you do, format gods?

If you can’t tell already, I have no idea what to write about. I just want to write again. Is enjoying writing the same as being in love with your own voice? You know when someone talks a lot and people go “tsk tsk, in love with their own voice that one” Well is writing the same? “In love with their own head voices that one, pfft.”

Huh, maybe?

I should really be writing some fiction, but I suck at that at the moment. I can’t describe shit. I can’t create. I can’t imagine. I know, don’t say I can’t but I seriously can’t. It’s just white noise.

Just brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I mean, vsssssssssssssssssss. Yes, vssssssss, that’s how white noise words.

I’m almost caught up with posting my fantasy over at royal road though, so I need to write soon! I know they say to just sit down and write but what if it’s really bad?

Would you continue building a wall with crumbling bricks and partially hardened cement? I feel like you need to at least have some part of your soul on the read when you go to write. You can’t go in like stodgy porridge and expect anything substantial. I know, then you edit. But I don’t want to edit shit. You can’t polish a turd or whatever it is.

I dunno, maybe I’m making excuses. But, I’ve been writing for twenty years and I think I know myself well enough to know something is too quiet.

*knocks on head*

mm, definitely some hollow rubbish going on in there.

If my spelling is awful by the way it’s because I’m just rambling away and I’m writing this straight up on wordpress where there is no spellcheck.

Oh well.

Anyway, there. I wrote something. With nails fourteen-year-old me would be proud of.

Hope you’re all writing and getting that good stuff down.

Arbie X

Thoughts on Toast

Note: No idea how to get the pictures to be in scale with the text. I’m trying!

I should really have a lot to write about. I spent three months in Hawaii visiting my fiance (we got engaged whilst I was there), but unfortunately old habits die hard and I spent a lot of my time indoors. That was rather embarrassing when I was being asked for beach pictures. Hey, though, I made it over there which for me was HUGE, and I did go to some beaches! I’ll have to get the picture of Jerk, our resident reptile, off my fiance.

 

Moving from the past to the present for a moment, I’d like to introduce you to the little girl who will hopefully be a new addition to my creature family: Pandora. Panda is a furret.

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Sorry… I blame my pajamas, and the fact furret is a fun word to say. Furret.

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Pandora the ferret, not furret, is an absolute dream. Unfortunately the little girl I brought her home to be friends with, Seb, isn’t wanting to play. I’ll write a separate post on what is happening with those pair. Here is Panda investigating a shoe. Please don’t comment on the size of my feet, I’m very sensitive about this.

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She’s such a curious little girl and loves human company. She’s from a rescue that I know really care for their ferrets but I also think it means the household that had to give her up must have spent a lot of time with her too. Here she is greeting me after I come back from being away the whole of two minutes.

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And here is Seb, my little sweetheart who I think I have babied far too much given her reactions to Pandora so far. In short, she’s a wuss. Despite having lived with another ferret for four years (until Kimble had to be put to sleep last September) she is terrified of Pandora and just wants it to be Serb and Merm.

seb

And lastly, because I can’t bring myself to leave Kimble out, here she is.

Now before this quickly turns into a ferret blog, back to what I was talking about…

Other than trying to get some personal blog posts up I’m also going to be posting more writing. Even if it’s flash fiction or short stories I’ll be using writing prompts to get back into the habit of writing and start to practice again. I have a lot to learn and I’m not going to be doing that by sitting on my ass staring at a screen waiting for an idea. Ideas, come hither, I doth summon thee. No. Idea, I’m doing this with or without you. Yeah, that’s right, how’d you like that.

I’m also going to be posting up some first chapters and the like so that people can see the style I write in. So, if you follow me, I’m sorry if you get a bit bogged down for a few days. It shouldn’t be too much. After that I’ll be sticking to Fridays while I have the material, I’ll be adding a new weekly post also but that will be a short one, and then anything I get written under prompts. and a personal blog post on Saturday (maybe not every Saturday but at least some – sorry, I suck at commitment).

As for toast, I haven’t eaten any in some time. I really want it to be autumn so I can bundle up in a dressing gown, sit in front of a fire in the morning, and munch on a slice of warm toast with a cup of hot tea cooling beside me. Aaah, who needs sun. Give me the pouring rain outdoors and snugglyness indoors and it’s a job done.

Speaking of sun…

Somewhere in Hawaii when we got lost

and my reaction to it… booo hissssss spittt *melts*